131205

Morning Camp’ers

Late this morning again, checked the petrol store in the shed but I think I would have known if I’d lost it. Not sure though as worms were well sedated last night. Is there panic buying yet, better stock up on the vodka?

I’ve just discovered the world is full of women (again), I hope the hell they’re not reading this. I sat next to some smelly pissy old bloke on the tube and it got me thinking. What would happen if I didn’t get to the Bakerloo on time? Anyway there will always be grannies willing to overlook odour I hope, have own teeth and a little hair left ladies. I do hope potential future grinners don’t know about my imaginary escalator foreplay action, they might find it a bit strange, if not a bit odorous.

Thought it time to update my requirements of women. This was something I broached back in the summer; call me fickle but here goes. 10 things a bloke requires of a woman : Small, all ov um, read earlier you lazy people. OK here goes

Date Expectations section. 5 things Girls Expect of Boys (according to Metro) – No vest, tasteful socks, tasteful jewellery, no purse, pay for the greedy bitch – don’t be tight.

10 things Boys Expect of Girls (David) – Smashing vest, pouting lips, small hands, stockings, no draws, tells you she’s no draws, let’s you play with her small hands, has twin sister with small hands and no draws, has latino looks and an oriental identical twin sister.

I was on the tube the other day and a really ugly granny was sat opposite me and she kept scowling at me, I've been here before. She finally built up the courage to catch my eye and asked me if I could turn the volume on my MP3 down a bit. That was really brave given the mental shit I was listening too and my well known intolerance in the mornings. I complied and retorted, could you turn down the ugly. She was not pleased.

I can’t believe how funny you found the demise of my parents, bastards.

'I know the meaning of life, it doesn’t help me a bit'. That was a fruitless search IMHO.

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